This article was originally published in the March 2023 edition of Chinmaya Smrithi magazine.
I was invited as a guest speaker to join the Devi Group satsang at CMWRC Richmond Chapter in February 2023. The topic for reflection was ‘Make Peace With Your Unlived Life’. It is based on the ninth chapter of the book Am I that I am? from the Mananam Series.
I resonated a lot with the topic. Perhaps most of us have been in situations where we thought our life could have been different. We felt regret at some point over the choices we made. Like Tina in the book, I was at crossroads in various stages of my life. I ended up struggling with conflicting inner and outer voices. Although this may not have been visible to others, many questions were swirling in my mind. I struggled to find meaning and purpose. That led me to pursue various interests/careers for the fulfillment that I was yearning for. In hindsight, this struggle was well worth it as it compelled me to delve inward to understand my true nature.
In the book, Tina was lost when her daughter moved away from their home to attend college. That caused her to question all her life choices up to that point. She lost interest in work and wanted to quit but was afraid of what others would think. Suddenly, she began to wonder if all the choices she made thus far belonged to her. She questioned whether they were influenced by her family’s expectations. Conflicting thoughts filled her mind. They pushed her to delve into a quest for her identity. She embarked on a journey of self-exploration.
Who and what we identify with largely dictates how we live and see the world around us. If we are asked, “Who are you?”, we often answer only in relation to another. For example, I am someone’s mother, someone’s wife, or someone’s daughter. I am working as so and so. I own a home, a car, etc. But the question is not what you are in relation to others, what you own, or what work you do.
In any relationship, when we identify too much with another person, there is a feeling of emptiness when the same is either not reciprocated or if the person is not accessible. Our role feels diminished. A lot of confusion creeps into our minds about all the choices that led us to that point. For example, if one is strongly identified as a parent, there is a feeling of emptiness and loneliness when kids grow up and move out. This may cause a lot of confusion and may push us toward losing interest in everything in life. This also could happen in other instances like losing a job, loved ones, etc.
As we go through various experiences, we gather a lot of impressions about desirable and undesirable qualities based on parental and societal attitudes. When we notice ourselves feeling the “undesirable” qualities it causes a lot of agitation. This is especially true if we can’t express what we feel to anyone, fearing damage to our relationships. At times we also assume these feelings are unimportant when others minimize them. We are constantly trying to please others and follow what others are doing while suppressing our own desires and needs.
The more we move away from being authentic and integrating our personality, the more gap there is between our true self and false self (conditioned self). When these are at loggerheads, there is no stable sense of identity. Every decision seems confusing because of an identity crisis. We all go through this at some stage, perhaps not at the same intensity levels. It depends on our experiences and how we’ve been able to integrate our true self and false self.
When there is no stable sense of identity, it can be very draining and demotivating. We begin to visualize what our life could have been if other choices were made. There is no limit to imagination. With every unmade choice, life could have turned out in many different ways.
Mulling over what could have been can completely deplete our energies. It disables us from focusing on what serve our real needs to take care of ourselves. This situation can easily lead one to extreme levels of stress and depression. But it also presents a lot of opportunities. At times like these, pertinent and profound questions come into our minds. Who am I? What do I want to be? Why do I want to be that? What is my purpose in life? Why am I not able to be happy? What is the source of happiness? Instead of dwelling in self-pity, one can embark on a transformational journey. This journey is to understand the true Self, rather than thinking about what life could have been.
Going through past experiences is important. Getting them out is vital. Try writing in a journal. Share your true feelings with someone you trust. This helps one to be more aware of one’s life journey. It also helps with letting go of the past. It opens us to doing what needs to be done. We find creative ways to better our lives. It also gives more clarity on what we can do at this moment. We improve our standard of life by understanding that we cannot change the past. Our past determines what our present is. What we do in the present moment will have an effect in the future.
The whole attitude changes when we are more self-aware. The confusion decreases. This change allows us to express and live more honestly. The gap between the true and false self minimizes. Most of us feel this inner work to be hard and confusing. But doing this inner work is very liberating. Once we experience the sweetness of that, we will have no regrets about any past choices. Without those choices, you would not be at this point. You are now more conscious and self-aware. This lets you make better choices for your well-being and to lead a life with no regrets.
We bridge the gap between the true self and the false self by reflecting on our thoughts. Asking questions and having meaningful conversations also contribute to this process. Seeking our true self is a very enriching journey. If we approach it with genuine curiosity, it can help us understand much more about our true Self. This understanding reveals formerly unknown aspects to us.
Bluishmuse 